A Certain Deadline

Looking down,
Cars moving,
People walking.
Every car has a destination, a location, a mission.
Every person has a thought, a goal, a dream.
To a certain deadline.

Life is a company.
For a company to function,
A certain deadline to all workers.
A certain deadline makes life function.
Different for each person, but same goal.
Division of labor.

Once the certain deadline is completed,
Another one comes in.
The paycheck? To live life.
Person without a certain deadline
Isn't really living.
The hobos, the beggers, the bums.
They are the unemployment of life.

A certain deadline.
What's your certain deadline?

Fight, Comrades.

Fight, comrades.

There's a time in life
Where we just got to fight.
This is the time.
This is why we are here.

Fight, comrades.

For our rights.
For our time.
For love.

Fight, comrades.

Let struggle drives us.
Every energy drain from your body.
Tears and sweats seem no different.
Headache and heartbreak are from one source.

Fight.

It's worth fighting for.
A light at the end of the tunnel.
A lesson to be learnt.

Fight.

With a spear in your hand
And hope in your mind.
That's what keep you going.
Tomorrow, that's where we are going.

Fight, comrades.

With a blunt spear,
And with no hope.
At least, we are fighting.
We are living.

Fight, comrades.

We gotten this far together.
Live or die, we are here.
Everything happens for a reason.
Don't give up.
God is not dead.

Fight, comrades.

This is our crossroad.
This is why we are here.

Win or loose,
We live.
We fight.

PCQE will remain immortal in us, so will him.

Do you realize sometimes you can't decide if you hate or like the person? It's a fucking hard decision because it's a roller-coaster ride of hate/like toward the person. The best part of it, it's mutual. Well, to me, that's love. It's like good people and Death Eaters. "Besides, the world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters." (Sirius Black). Well, I believe that's what Mr. Mack and his students had. Mr. Mack was the most annoying, mean, tiny Scottish man my AIS friends and I had ever known. But without a doubt, he was the best teacher that we ever had.

He was an English teacher in Ashgabat International School (AIS) when I was in grade 10. He taught us only one school year, but boy, what an impact he had on our lives. He came to the school with a mission to revolutionize our English toward a better future. We were offended, of course. Most of us grew up speaking English. He invented  introduced a system called "Point Context Quote Explanation" (PCQE) to write short answer or essay questions. A single grammar or structure mistake, he would brutally failed us in his annoying Scottish accent and told us to redo again. As time passed, our writing got better and we got close to him: exchanging DVDs, goofing around, playing basketball. He even suggested me literature because he knew I was a book-worm. I remembered at the end of the school year, I cracked my pelvis and I was out of school for a week. When I got back to school, it was finals. I received an A+ from him, I thought it was a pity mark. But during the end-of-the-year assembly, he presented me an award for my hard-work and my A+ essay. During the assembly, he said something like this: "Azim was one of my worst students, constantly failing essays, really bad grammar, and no content. But he never gave up to improve. Today, he's one of my best student with no mistakes in grammar and writes a really good essay." I  was deeply touched. That year, he left AIS. It was a sad moment. After a few months, my family had to go back to Malaysia. I was sure I will meet-up with him in the future, having drinks, talking about life and the good old days.

I received this yesterday, from a friend:

‎"Dear jeren, I am Ians' mother and Elaine sent on yor messages to me. We are as you may imagine devastated at the loss of Ian, it was so tragic and so sudden. He was working in Brunei and very happy. His contract had only a few more weeks to run and he had decided to come home to us after nearly 10 years of working away. We are still not certain, but he either got caught in a rip tide or his surf board hit him on the head, either way he was found on the beach and it was already too late. Your messages and those of your f riends have brought us great comfort. Please will you pass on my sincere thanks. We brought Ian home and laid him to rest on a little hillside not far from where we live. If you or anyone else would like to keep in touch with us we would be only too delighted to hear from you . Yours truly Anne Mack (Mrs.)"

I was devastated. How can a great and talented man just died? He was young and had so much give to the world. After moments of thinking, smoking, pondering in confusion and sadness, at the balcony, I fell into a nap and had the dream of having the drink that I never had with him. 

We were at a local Scottish bar, drinking and talking. I can't remember most part, but we were having a good time. I told him about my life, studying medicine and all. He said, he is in a better place, now. He told me to study hard and thrive in life. He guess he did his part in the world since God has decided to end it. I believe he did. I came to a realization about the honor of being a teacher. In life, every great man's dream is to achieve immortality- Achilles, John Keats, Gregor Mendel and others. They are all immortal through their achievements in war, literature and science. We achieve immortality by making a mark in the world and touching life of others. Mr. Mack did. As long as PCQE is used by his students and people who knew him remembers him, Ian Mack will live on. Before saying goodbye, I asked him if any of this is real, he answered:

I woke up from my nap, and it started to drizzle. I knew, it was real.

Just like Dumbledore to Harry, Mr. Mack was one of my mentors. He lived his life to the fullest and had no regrets.


I won't let you down.

RIP Mr. Mack.

The Walker and The Bus

There was a boy. Somewhere in the Midwest. An empty desert, an empty road. He is a Walker. His job is to walk straight, non-stop to the inevitable end. He doesn't know when, where or how he'll meet this end, but he knows that he just need to keep walking.

He has walked a million miles, but he still has to walk another million miles. Most of the time, he walked. But there were some times, where Buses picked him up for a ride. The Bus Rides were wonderful. It taught him about things he never knew. The beauty of the bus is magnificent. The vast and long ride is just amazing. How can a simple thing makes you feel this way? "No wonder everyone is chasing to get on a bus." However, everything ends. When the Bus Rides ended, the Bus would drop him somewhere in the empty desert, an empty road. Back to square one. He would think the mistake he did or the action that he didn't do that caused the Bus to drop him here. The pain, guilt and regret were time and energy consuming. The time it took for him to start walking again would be the same time that would take him to walk to this same point. Back to square one. A waste of time and energy. He is a Walker. He didn't have time for any of this. So, he decided to never take the Bus again. So, he started walking.

He's back to walking. Hundred of beautiful Buses passed him, but he wouldn't take it. Maybe a few times, he thought of taking a Car. Small and quick. But he never did, because no transportation can triumph the beauty of the Bus.

One day, an old, ugly Bus stopped in front of him. He heard stories of this Bus from the Wind. She's trouble, careless and has bad intentions in everything she did. An unacceptable to the society. The Walker's first impression of her was that she has a bad past. But he couldn't get rid of the feeling that her bad past could open up to a bright future. The Bus has potential and she's not like the other Buses that he has seen. She's kind, honest and has beauty inside. She wanted to be in the society but she didn't know how to.

A Sandstorm was coming up ahead. It's nothing big, but it's harsh. The Walker knew that this Bus would not survive. The Walker decided to help her. What kind of person wouldn't help someone in need?

The Walker helped her. He shaped her up, fixed her and supported her. He defended her from the Wind, but at the same time, made her feel welcome to them. While fixing her, the Walker learned more about her: her dreams, her thinking, and her life. There were times when the Walker wanted to take the Bus Ride from her. Maybe they could ride to the inevitable together. Just maybe. That's all you could wish for in this empty desert. Someone to accompany you to the inevitable end, just riding into the sunset, happily. But she was still not stable. But she was getting there. It made him happy.

The process wasn't all smooth. No process is never that smooth. There were time when they were both annoyed at each other. The Sandstorm was near, time was ending, the Walker didn't think she would make it in time. However, the Bus disagreed. The Walker kept on pressuring her, but as he pressured her, a gap was created between them. The Walker couldn't stand the sight of the Bus breaking down when the Sandstorm hit them. Just like birds teaching their young to fly, one day, the young flies off without looking back. That's what happened to the Walker and the Bus. The gap got bigger and the Bus got better. Society is accepting her and she's ready for the Sandstorm.

One day, the Bus drove off and stop at the next attractive walker she saw. The Walker could still see the Bus up ahead, with another walker. She's thinking of giving the walker a lift. And it pains him. "Am I really not that worth it?" The Walker thought. However, the Bus seemed happy and that's what the Walker ever wished for her.

Back to square one. Although there was no Bus Ride, he did feel the pain. But this time, the Walker did not feel guilt or regret. He helped her, and he tried his best. Although the Bus droved off, he still wouldn't believe the story of the Wind about her because he knew her. She is beautiful, no matter what they say. So, he started walking again. He didn't feel guilt or regret. But he did feel the pain. The pain got bigger as the Walker got closer to the point to the Bus and the other walker is at. He knows the other walker would eventually take the Bus Ride. How can he not? So, now the Walker is still walking, but slowly. He couldn't imagine the pain he would receive when he gets to that point. When they asked him, he'll put on an act, a mask to show the world that he is peachy. But, look at him closely, it's killing him inside, as if someone is scratching his bare heart.

On the other hand, the Sandstorm is getting nearer and the Walker is feeling vulnerable, he just might not survive. But the boy knows that whatever happens, he'll need to keep on walking because he is not a boy, anymore. He is a Walker. That's his virtue.

I, Then, Realized I Haven't Been...Me

I read a poem.
It was a beautiful poem.

I, then, realized how lost I was
Comparing to mine.

I read my poems and, then, realized
How blonde I am.

I've been writing poems, superficially.
Just the top layers of my life and feelings.

I haven't been communicating
The physical with the abstract.

I, then, realized it's because I haven't been feeling.
I haven't been living.

I haven't been writing,
Or even, trying.

I'm sorry.

I'm drunk, but it's only because I love you.

Why are you even with him?
You deserve so much better than him.
Just like the flower who deserves better than the bee.

The bee just works hard,
but he doesn't have any real feeling for the flower.
The beautiful graceful flower.

I should have said something to the flower.
Because I had feelings for the flower since I first saw her
2 years ago.

Haha. I was hitting on you the first time
I said hi to you.

You are so smart
and
beautiful at the same time
since I first saw you.

You had flaws,
no doubt,
but it made you beautiful.
I don't think I've met a girl like that
before.

Yes, I'm angry.
Why aren't you talking?
Is it because of him?
A sloppy second?

You deserve so much better.
Just saying.
You are my literally star.

Please do come here.

2011: To Rut or Not To Rut?

Yes, it's a New Year.

A decade has passed,
another begins.

Although it's a new beginning,
why the Rut?

A Rut begins when
the settling and honeymoon end,
a new period of life begins.

A Rut ends when
the new anticipated period begins,
a dream ends.

Sounds good?
Sounds horrible?
Possibly both.

It's nice and worrying at the same time.

In a Rut,
We are in control.
We are living our life.
We are following God's plan.

We know what we are going to do,
We know what is need to be done,
and
We get it done,
We do it all over again.

We excel in life.
We master our destiny.

Scratching the floor,
our minds wondered.

Wondered the 'if's.
Wondered the past lovers.

True love does lies in past lovers.
If it comes back to you,
it is true.

Perfectly lonely.
But never wanting to commit.
Just being in the idea is content.
But selfish.
Perfectly lonely.

After love,
our mind goes to others.

We then realize,
we can never be in Rut.

The possibility is vast.
The world is my oyster.

2011, let's make the best out of it. :)

Same Old Story, Just New Girls

I should have learned by now,
be better,
to never feel this way ever again.
Heartbroken.

I like change.
Moving to a new place.
Living at one place,
for a long time,
is to be better
to not live at all.
We are all sharks.

Without a doubt,
There will always be regrets.
But one regret, that I keep repeating.
To never take the chance
with the best girl there.

she was the Past.
she was the biggest first crush
in my life.
I adored her.
Touching her skin
send currents to my nerves.
Talking to her
my heart is in a horse race.
Gazing into her big eyes
I can see myself in the future.
I gave her Roses, 
she gave me back my heart.
My infatuation gave me hope and
Heartbreaks.
The worst part, it hid the fact
that she was a really good
Friend.

"You know I’m such a fool for you

You got me wrapped around your finger

Do you have to let it linger"

She was Recent.
The moment I laid my eyes on her,
without a doubt,
she'll be a friend from the beginning
till the end.
I was fine with it.
Even though,
there were moments, nights, that
we may have flirted with the boundaries.
I was fine with it.
I don't want my hopes to be up and
Heartbreak.
We are friends.
Then why?
The Kiss. 
Our lips and bodies were too close
to go back to the borders.
We were friends.

I shared smiles with she.
I shared laughs with She.
I shared slow dances with both.

she came back from the Past,
to the Present, yesterday.
As a friend.
I'm happy.


Girls, this my poem to you.
It's time to set you free from my painful heart.
The Candle. As painful as the candle lights,
in order I can move on.

She never came back, ignored
the Present because I'm not there.
Will you be there, talk to me,
the Future when I'm there?
Or has your heart flew away into another man's arm
like blue daffodils to the wind. As always.
I'll be daffodils lament.



Of course, I wanted you.
How could I not?
Your smile, laugh, and crooked teeth.
But our rules were clear,
by the boundaries, never over the border.
What and why was the Kiss?
A kiss is never just a kiss.

"I have decided to leave you forever

I have decided to start things from here

Thunder and lightning won’t change

What I’m feeling

And the daffodils look lovely today"

They were my best friends.
People say
"The best thing in friendship is
the best friend."
But they also say:
"The best love is to
fall in love with your best friend."
I guess, I have always thought
picking the first choice was safer.
Nevermore.

I should have learned by now,

be better,

to never feel this way ever again.

Heartbroken.

Time+Expectations= Truth (Change)

He who fears being conquered is sure of defeat.

After so long,
After so many expectations,
You haven't change,
I haven't change,
The world hasn't change.

What say you, my friend?
Disagreement?
Ay, the only difference between the world and space
Is the idea of truth.
I had the idea of truth that you will, eventually, accept me.
Not mock me.
Not patronized me.
Not dehumanized me.
The static of time could have been a lifeline, but we all have needs.
I miss the past and its friends.

You expect too much.
No, I can't.
I don't why.
I can touch the sky, but I won't leave the grass.
Soft, green and it has not long to live.
How can a great leader claimed and fall?
To life, I am not following failure, lies, and hypocrisy.

2020
Big number, little effort.
We, brothers, are still fighting since the beginning of independence.
Are we really independent?
The fight has shown no difference than the one in 69'.
Instead of parangs, we use politics and words.
Words. Words. Words.
Manipulative and it bleeds and murder through the ears of a Sr. Hamlet.

The world still kills, part of human traits.
Now, laws and rights restrain us from killing each other, no politically,
We clinched our teeth and cry our eyes,
We kill the helpless.
The helpless moving object without a conscious,
The voiceless still object without mercy.
Woody noises, cold tears, and falling existence.
We know and see nothing.

Studying the truth by dissecting it.
Numbers, words, humans, animals, and molecules.
The equation of the world:
Time+Expectations=Truth
Time is physical, spiritually, and emotionally.
Valuable and created and infinite.
Expectations are mentally.
We expect and expect and we don't do anything.
Don't expect, just jump and jump.
Truth is between space and Earth.
It is ugly, full of gas that drowns us, sinners.
Time is truth-physical and mentally.
Yes,
We are the truth of time.